9

"OMIGOD…"

"I DON’T THINK THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE

MY PENIS IS ASLEEP

THIS IS LIKE THE ANTI-ERECTION, THERE IS NO BLOOD AT ALL”

-Jimmy

2

We used to live in a gigantic house right on the lake.

Me: Hey remember when Sheila used to complain that she couldn’t sleep because the sound of THE WAVES was keeping her up? Hello, people pay money to fall asleep to that noise.

Mom: Yep and now she lives in Mexico. Where there’s no water at all. Just mountains.

Mike: All they hear now is the sound of erosion.

3

Family apple picking

Let’s play a game. Throw an apple as high as you can and if you hear an “OW!” then you win!

1

(Buzz... Buzz...)

Me: Is somebody vibrating?
Mom: (Starts shaking) I am!
Me: ...Nerd.
1

"I thought that ‘thank you’ was one word, like, thankyou. I couldn’t figure out why Word kept telling me it was wrong."

-Victoria

"That’s your wife, Aaron. You married her."

-Jimmy.

2

"Well it was a really big foreskin. I think they called it a fiveskin."

-Jimmy, on body parts that have been removed from his family members.

1

"This weather is amazing, it’s like being naked in heaven."

-Johnny

3

Whiplash

Johnny: Stop running around, you're going to give me a whiplash
Me: *A* whiplash??
Johnny: What do YOU want it to be? AN whiplash?
Mom: Ann whiplash?? Is that your girlfriend's name?
2

"Pooping feels good because God loves us"

-Jimmy’s friend Aaron to his potty training son.

1

"Ugh, this Coke is so flat it’s like a middle school swim meet."

-Jimmy, opening a bottle of Coke.